I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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