Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
