I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you win again, gameday.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
