I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
