Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
