she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
