I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
