and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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