last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
