Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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