Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
