Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
