literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize