Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
