I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
