Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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