Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
