So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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