i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
