$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
