My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
