She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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