eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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