I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
