he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
