I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
