come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
