Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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