Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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