Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
