Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
