I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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