I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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