Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
