WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
