I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
