I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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