You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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