Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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