Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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