so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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