i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
