question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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