Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
