Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
