Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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