see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
