Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize