my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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