you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
