I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
