Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
