I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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