No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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