The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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