i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
