FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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