Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
